She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the day after is always just damage control
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
