we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
