I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
