I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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