drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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