Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
