We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
