you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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