She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
