last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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