So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
