she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
