I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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