Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
