Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
