So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Randomize
