Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
