I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
