Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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