When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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