I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
His nipple licking is glorious
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