Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
