True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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