duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
