Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
