I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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