Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
