I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
