She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
