Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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