grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
