The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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