how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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