I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
