yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
