I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You're like the curious george of whores
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
