If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
