dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
