I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
