Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
