I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You did what with his pubic hair?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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