Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
