Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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