maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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