I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
