I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
