So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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