she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
