My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
