My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
