I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
