I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
