Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm like, not good at living.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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