i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
